Brown isn't green

thelonious monk

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:14:01 GMT

“Deeply rooted sphere, eccentric and relentless,
You walk into the…” ocean.

I am falling on the floor. I am so close to the earth I am almost a growing part of it. I do have the power to detach or evacuate but instead I lay as flat as I can, letting all the air out of me like a plastic bag under the tire of a car. I begin to wonder about those around me as near as a mile. So I walk the length of the beach, where I am now from the lighthouse to the rocks, from the sand until the clouds. I think, “And maybe the ground will drop from beneath me,” collapsing my body, descending me below sea level. At the beach I stared east. I looked as far as my eyes could reach. It was intense just to be there. Standing. I looked up to see the moon in the bright blue sky, mysteriously peeking out from behind clouds. Almost hiding from the sun, knowing it was not the proper time of day to be out. In the sun I realize we’re all just floating in space. I notice that its easy to move but impossible to be seen from the sky. In the light (of the moon and the sun) I looked down and saw my two feet on the ground.

march 14,2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:49:12 GMT

I built this wall up for a reason

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 02:02:34 GMT

When the world has got you down
And there is no one on your side
I say run far away
Cuz there's no where you can hide
Inhale the last of your cigarette
Push it down into your palm
Get up and face the world again
It's time to just act calm
On the inside you are screaming
Your eyes can't stay awake
Look at the people in your life
Realize that they are all fake
Take a bat and smash your memories
They're pouring on to the ground
My heart is breaking, heads on fire
But I won't even make a sound

I built this wall up for a reason
Keep on changing every season

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 01:57:31 GMT

Who is that calling me
When I'm too deaf
To hear the sound of a voice
I walk to the cries in my mind
And raindrops know the way out
Pakcing bowl after bowl
Hoping I can escape myself
For a minute
Just for a minute

It seems like I'm just
a little disconnected
This is just
my direction

We're not the weak
We are the wounded
We're not the mindless
We are the molested

I want to learn how to take pictures
With my mind of my dreams
I want to see them on canvas
I wanna write my own story
With my own ending
But what's this story about
What's this story about

It seems like I'm just
a little disconnected
This is just
my direction

We're not the weak
We are the wounded
We're not the mindless
We are the molested

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 01:44:19 GMT

I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
Cuz it's got nothin left for me
I'm gonna go where I can be free
I'm gonna walk out the door
And get out of town

New places, New faces
Rest assured, I'll stock up on cases
Of whisky here and 6 bottles of beer
And I'll drink myself till I can't see clear

I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure

Torch the atlas, no sense of delay
Fuck the system, we'll pave our own way
This is a request I can surely adhere
Bottoms up boys cuz I got no fear

I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure

Side of the highway, take a seat in acid rain
Tobacco's stale, there's no refrain
Backpack full of nearly molded bread
Better save the whisky to feed the dead

I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
I'm gonna walk out the door
I'm gonna leave this town for sure
Cuz it's got nothin left for me
I'm gonna go where I can be free
I'm gonna walk out the door
And get out of town

enough to hold myself up and fall

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 15:36:06 GMT

your voice sings out to me
like a ten minute symphony
no longer just a song
sing to me how to learn
ive been stagant since birth

to fear your life and want to live
doesn't make sense to me
but somehow its true
i'm too tired to explain
the inconcistency

torn up pieces of paper
i'm cursed
about to fall asleep
i'm dead
dreams pass through my skull
i'm out of line
all on my own again
i'm wrong

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 02:36:08 GMT

i'll remove my hand from your pants
long enough to punch myself in the face

tonight i'm not going
to think about the past
maybe i'll call up someone
that i know won't last
hold a hand and sing a song
do a dance and hit a bong
fall on your ass and
laugh a little harder
she'll forget about the things
that once scarred her

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 03:26:06 GMT

2/28/07
We are not the weak, we are the wounded
We are not the mindless, we are the molested

Today marks the third day of sobriety after a three and a half week binge on a variety of opiate downers. Two times I thought I was going to die. It was without a doubt, a very interesting experience. Now I've thought I was going to die six times. Only two involving alcohol.

I've been thinking so much today. I can't turn off my brain for one second, I can't focus on anything happening in the present. I can only focus on what's inside of my head. I feel like this all the time. It's why I constantly find myself at a state of nonexistance. It's like I don't feel like I'm living becasue I'm stuck on everything that doesn't have to do with the present. When I look at something, it's like all my thoughts overpower my senses. I say I live for now, but I'm already dead. In my reality, I'm a zombie. I just go through the day doing whatever my conscious mind is telling me, but my subconscious is going crazy with thoughts and ideas; or possibly the other way around. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. Right now I am partially insane. I show alot of signs of being a schizophrenic, but I have something in me that keeps me partially in the "real" world. I have some sort of grasp on what everyone else's realities are; enough to maybe fake it. I need to figure out if I'm really faking it or not because maybe, somehow, i'm just too mixed up in my own world to know.

Between now and when I was 14 or 15, I feel the same; stuck, unchanging. It's really hard for me to explain how I feel about it. I was thinking about it earlier. I can't grasp it. It's like part of my brain, maybe my subconscious, can just be like nothing's changed, I was the same person as I am now a year ago or two years. Which is true, I am the same person, but that's probably my conscious talking. When I think more deeply, I realize I have grown up so much in some ways; not just in what I do, in how I think. Which is growing up, I guess.

I use drugs because I love the feeling of having something between me and the world. It's like a fire blanket, you can't feel the fire through the blanket. I mean, it's like your being protected from all your natural emotions and problems. Being high protects me from all the harsh emotions I have and also of all my thoughts coming in too fast. I've been told I have a drug addiction before. I know people who do less than half of the drugs I do, and people who have done twice as much who have been called addicts too. It's all about if you feel like your addicted to drugs. The only thing that matters is what you feel like. No one can tell you your addicted to something, it's a feeling. I feel addicted, but I am strong enough to overcome it. So what am I? On drugs, I don't feel like myself. I like to get away from myself. I feel like I want them so I don't have to feel normal. I need that barrier from the harsh reality I've found myself living in. It's not that I don't like myself when I'm sober, before now I had never thought of it like that. I'm stuck on this now actually. I can't figure out which I like better; sober or high. It's a good balance I have going I guess. I can't be high all the time. I have to be sober sometimes to deal with the rest of the world. If I had to be high or sober for the rest of my life, it would be hard to choose. If I lived in a secluded world of my own in the woods, perhaps I would choose being high over sober, but since I have to deal with normal world things, I need to be sober some of the time. Under my circumstances now, I think I would go crazy from being high all the time. I would BE crazy to the sober world. You'd be naturally high all the time. Which could, in theory, be scary. It's a choice on if you want to be in your own world forever or if you want to be a part of everyone's world. Maybe drugs are just a way for me to get through to the parts of my life that aren't this hard for me.

Day 2 - Waste of Space

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 00:00:48 GMT

its probably better you dont write me back
i dont know what you would say
whatever you say would just make me mad anyways
if you said i'm sorry id say its not enough
but what is enough
i dont think anything is
i was just left with an empty feeling
its like what am i doing now
i'm less sure of who i am every day
especially since i dont have you to talk to
i dont want to lose you completely
its just hard to imagine talking to you
knowing i'm not your one anymore
you really do hold me together
you give me somethign to care about
someone to show me i'm not a complete waste of space
you said all these things
as if you were trying to
talk me out of loving you
like telling me the bad shit would do anything
but i knew what i was getting into
i was glad to
now i just feel sick when i think about us
about all the things i felt
that i still feel
that i can't help but feel
i think we're fate
i want for you to come back so bad
not today or tomorrow
its too soon
but someday you'll realize
that we really are fate
and i'll be waiting here
to take you back
because no matter what
you're my other half

Day 1 - Choke

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:52:10 GMT

(This is for every time
I choked over the words I love you
Because it meant so much
It was hard for me to say
And as much as I know you're wrong
I still hear myself begging you to stay)

I stared down at half of a beer
After I read between the lines
Everything was clear
I found a book full of lies
Diseased and disoriented
I blew a few more pills
Cleaning up the mess
From a cup spilt half filled
You were coming back to tell me
What you should have all along
How could you do this
You know that I'm not strong
Every word you said to me
Dripped down onto my fingers
Dumbfounded
Blindfolded
Speechless
You linger

"I hate that it's me you have to love"
Well if I didn't hurt enough already...

I realize I'm resented
Plans and ideas
Worthlessly presented
I'm just another chapter
You didnt think about
What would happen after
I just want to pass with the clouds
I can't even read this outloud
When I've got nothing left to lose
I can lose my mind without caring
You try to look away but I know
Right back here you're staring
Its not right
Its too much to believe
Can't we meet again?
Why did I make you leave

So which is it
Are you afraid of having
Something too beautiful to break
Or do you really think
I'm wrong to love you this much
What's your real reason
For letting me go

She Is

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 02:06:23 GMT

when i fake a smile everyday
she doesnt grasp the fact
that i'm screaming inside
every word i hear from anyone
tears away at me
theres nothing left
all i am is a handful of pills
a bag of this or a bottle of that
i'm a dissapointment
ive been told i'll never amount to anything
i'm never good enough
whatever i do is never enough
theres always something else i need to fix about myself
if i say i want you to care
i just want you to listen
if i say im wrong
i just want to end the conversation
everytime i ask whats the point of this
i come one step closer to not caring at all
whats my purpose
who cares what my purpose is
i can drown her out
i can keep her going
i can hate myself
i can forget shes not here
i can fake it through the day

as i was falling asleep
i heard a voice in my left ear
it scared the hell out of me
whenever i go to sleep
i wonder if i'll wake up
reincarnation is just reassurance
that you'll have another chance
but deep down i know
this is it

unsatisfied

if she wants to be my other half
she should be
its all i want
i can only put myself out so far
ive said all the right words
to all the wrong girls
she's the only one i should talk to
its everyone else that i have a problem with
i dont fuck myself up everyday
to forget that she loves me
i do it because i'm scared
i'm dying inside
and i cant do it alone
i'm half an animal
not important enough to be a person

the only direction ive ever had
or put into words
is to be happy
what kind of happiness do i want
do i want the happiness that comes from finding it somehow everyday
or do i want to work hard for years to get the happiness of finally meeting your goals

what if i've already found lasting happiness
how do i keep it
she keeps trying to get away
its like it doesnt matter that i say all the right things
because she doesnt believe i mean it
plan after plan
its not the plans i care about
she is my direction
she is my happiness
i'm going to find her no matter how far she gets
who cares where we end up
as long as its me and her together
she is my only truth
my dimming light
its my fault shes not as bright as she used to be
i push her too far
i know i'm wrong
i'm not trying to piss her off
i'm wrong
when shes my life
i wont need a crutch
i want her to believe it
i want her so much
but if you never noticed
nothings ever enough for me
realizations in the middle of the night
of the fact that i'm never satisfied
i dont how to fix it
i dont know anything it feels like
my subconscious is hiding my knowledge from me
honestly it is
i know so much that i dont realize
and i understand how i feel
but i cant help me
i'm a sinking ship
or maybe i'm just one of the people on board
should i jump?
or go down with the rest?
i'm not insane
just insecure
disconnected
wrong

Stutter When You Speak

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 02:05:31 GMT

the things i gave to you just pile up
as the years keep flying by
i dont walk with a limp now
i got myself a crutch
and i no longer stutter
because i boarded my mouth shut
you dont know
the things i do
when youre not here
i wont lie to you
my days drag on
its been 4 years
but it doesnt
seem that long
i'm high in the sky
and youre still down below
my life is moving fast
my days are going slow

every binge this week
is better than
hearing you speak
the words you say
are keeping me away
theyre haunting me

i built this wall up
for a reason
keep on changing
every season

keep me awake
to wisper you still care
but every word you say
sounds so cold and bear

it seems like i'm
a little diconnected
this is just
my direction

i wrote a story
in my head
about a girl
who never read
constantly tired
always cold
she ate a sandwich
two days old
in the bed
of brown blankets
she'll just lie there
and take it
waiting for love
that will never happen
needing some clairty
like she had back then
a small apartment
meant for two
she said "it's for someone
named me and you
our love is clear
and its true"
but as the days got hazier
her mind grew lazier
she started to forget
what she wanted at all
this is the time
that she began to fall

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 01:29:37 GMT

you remind me of me
maybe thats why every morning
i wake up thinking about you

its hard for me to say
probably hard for you to believe it
because its unaccepted by most
for me to be liek this
but somewhere along the way i got twisted up
and i cant seem to find anyone i can trust
the closest ive come to trusting is me
but even i sometimes i can decieve myself
i dont think i could confide in someone
who isnt that creature who stares back at me in the mirror
following my every move
staring bakc at me with empty eyes
and a hungry soul
but i cant climb through
to the next world
as much as i would like to
i just want to help the psychopath
who cant find anyone but me
shes lost
she must be
but i cant help her
shes lost
she needs the other half of her soul
but shes stuck on being alone
shes lost
can someone please tell her the way out
it scares me
but i think
her other half
is me

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 23:44:40 GMT

so fold your hands and pray to no one
because there isn't anyone that cares
cut your wrists and take some pills
they all laugh and ignore your prayers
when you think you hit the bottom
youre gona fall a whole lot farther
you can try to make things better
but theres no real need to bother
when the world has got you down
and there is no one on your side
i say run far away because
theres no where you can hide
inhale the last of your cigarette
push it down into your palm
get up and face the world again
it's time to just act calm
on the inside you are screaming
your eyes can't stay awake
you look at the people in your life
and know that they're all fake
take a bat and smash your memories
they're pouring down onto the ground
my heart is breaking, my heads on fire
but i wont even make a sound

i love nothing

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 02:19:57 GMT

now that i see clearly
i know that things are
fucked up beyond repair
and being sober
is too hard to do
for 2 more weeks
but i'll do it
to show you i'm not crazy
i'm not crazy
i'm not a liar
i can do this on my own
i see things so clearly
that i'm overwhelmed
and scared
i have nothing
i stand for
nothing
my world is about me
where is everyone else?
why am i so alone
ha
why do i ask that
when i so
clearly
know the answer
if i could be honest
for just one second
id tell you
i lied about not being a liar
and i lied about everything else
and i'm too fucked up
to make anything better
i dont want your help
and i really will
die alone
before you can get to me

from a few weeks ago

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 00:46:43 GMT

You can't stay around
Once the sun sets
From my ears to my brain
And I drool
Sweat
Blame
Beat
You
Me
Him
Her
Down
I could point my gun at your face
And wipe the steam from my goggles
But the gun would be backwards
And the steam insists on staying
Be
My
Fucking
God
To meet you again
In a new light

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 00:39:09 GMT

its history
and everyone forgets history
we have history
but its more the present i'm concerned with
i dont have a future
i dont have a past
i have a now
and i have a place
in the world
every single sunset of
life and love and death and
reincarnation
shines straight through my windows
and in the days that i have left
i will be free
and i can waste my time
any way i please
i will remain living in peace
and in pieces
strewn across every ocean and
mountain and desert and city
in which all train tracks
lead striaght to my town
the town that is mine
in my own state
of mind
and i lost myself
in the forest
in a book
that i read
which was an idea
inside my head
and my life
is an illusion
and i am only
a dream
from the mind
of a molecule
in another galaxy
which i invented
in this dream
called
my lonely
but still happy
shred of a life

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 00:26:33 GMT

i'm too young
to feel this weird

i'm too lame
to feel this cool

i'm too tired
to feel this awake

i'm two feet away
from the edge

i'm too scared
to do anything

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 04:55:07 GMT

we are both weak baby
its just a game
every time i speak
i'm yelling your name
i could say that i love you
or that i really do care
but it wont mean nothing
we've all said we swear
but every night
when i look up at the stars
i see you
and all the same scars
we've both got problems
its not hard to tell
i like hurting others
less than myself

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 00:41:47 GMT

birth is not beautiful
and i wouldnt care
if no one was ever born again
because everything is mine
and its just me in my world
it doesnt revolve around me
im either on top of
or beneath everyone
its hard to make out
all the different sounds
coming out of the forest
its like one heart beat
and the sound of wind against trees
is enough for me
and soon enough i'll be gone
with my guitar and tobacco
to another world of my own
maybe one day you can come along too
but its too hard for me
to let someone else in
everything looks yellow to me
but what is yellow compared to clear
its all the same normal
you have yours and i have mine

it's my girl i'm choking

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 19:13:28 GMT

every pill that i take
is just another mistake
with that look on your face
i cant seem to find my place
with every day that goes by
is another day i dont try
and i'm not strong enough to be here

i am you and you are me
we dont watch but we still see
if every molecule could split
in the same places i would sit
sitting and staring into space
and gazing amazed at your blank face

i am so near and you are so far
we always see the same little stars
pass it out and pack it in
im scared for you to be so thin
every card is on the table
but i'm still too unstable
getting through but not in
i want to be a part of your heart
begin at the end and end at the start
every day keeps getting longer
and every day i cant get stronger
with a kiss to your lips
my heart can just slip
all i want is to be a part
but its so hard to be smart
its so hard

living is too hard
and dying is too empty
ive been to both places
but i dont expect you to believe it
i can see through your soul
and i want to know
that our bodies are one
we cant stop until were done
the half of me who keeps me in line
every time i start to fall behind

you are so near
but love is my only fear
feelings of connection
in every direction
scares me to death
every time that i rest
i think way too much
but i plan way too little
i cant seem to get
myself to sit still

love is a word
to decribe an emotion
but i cant help it
that its my girl i'm choking
if youre afraid of death
start over fresh
and wait for your time
because one day youll die
and youll either be free
or youll be nothing

i want to be something bigger than the sound
but it doesnt help when i just go around and around
flying faster, sinking lower in my world
i wont let you in but i'll show you the way out
because you might begin to see
every sickening part of me
i'm sorry that you love me
but i would never let you go
i can only try my best
and just take it really slow
really slow

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:03:22 GMT

why do i try to write
when you arent there for me
and i'm not there for you
every night is getting harder
every day is just a blur
lets be real
i think about what you think of me
even when youre not there
love for real and not to lie
every lie is a pathway to you
but every lie brings me farther down
you look like heaven to me

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 21:43:30 GMT

your jealousy would shine through
no matter how small the incident
it bleeds with anticipation
i see how you look down
but its now that you look up
too bad you dont see it
and its too bad that i dont care
but you should know
you're not missing out
because everything i do
isnt special
and i wait for no goodbyes

Smack

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 21:33:02 GMT

You would make a good junkie
Just as I see you
Walk with the rain
And be proud of your rebound
In the eyes of an angel
You are above
In the night or the sky
You are my god

I am made to believe
I can't see or stand tall
But you don't perceieve
My dreams as my love

beautifulx

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 01:20:34 GMT

I would like a girl
Who's too sad to care
She'll listen with
One word to say
And hide behind her hair
One word is all I need
To know that things are going fine
She clings to me and wispers slow
And I know that she's all mine
x