Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in brownisexciting's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
1:13 pm	thelonious monk “Deeply rooted sphere, eccentric and relentless, You walk into the…” ocean. I am falling on the floor. I am so close to the earth I am almost a growing part of it. I do have the power to detach or evacuate but instead I lay as flat as I can, letting all the air out of me like a plastic bag under the tire of a car. I begin to wonder about those around me as near as a mile. So I walk the length of the beach, where I am now from the lighthouse to the rocks, from the sand until the clouds. I think, “And maybe the ground will drop from beneath me,” collapsing my body, descending me below sea level. At the beach I stared east. I looked as far as my eyes could reach. It was intense just to be there. Standing. I looked up to see the moon in the bright blue sky, mysteriously peeking out from behind clouds. Almost hiding from the sun, knowing it was not the proper time of day to be out. In the sun I realize we’re all just floating in space. I notice that its easy to move but impossible to be seen from the sky. In the light (of the moon and the sun) I looked down and saw my two feet on the ground. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
4:48 pm	march 14,2008 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
9:58 pm	I built this wall up for a reason When the world has got you down And there is no one on your side I say run far away Cuz there's no where you can hide Inhale the last of your cigarette Push it down into your palm Get up and face the world again It's time to just act calm On the inside you are screaming Your eyes can't stay awake Look at the people in your life Realize that they are all fake Take a bat and smash your memories They're pouring on to the ground My heart is breaking, heads on fire But I won't even make a sound I built this wall up for a reason Keep on changing every season (Comment on this)
9:51 pm	Who is that calling me When I'm too deaf To hear the sound of a voice I walk to the cries in my mind And raindrops know the way out Pakcing bowl after bowl Hoping I can escape myself For a minute Just for a minute It seems like I'm just a little disconnected This is just my direction We're not the weak We are the wounded We're not the mindless We are the molested I want to learn how to take pictures With my mind of my dreams I want to see them on canvas I wanna write my own story With my own ending But what's this story about What's this story about It seems like I'm just a little disconnected This is just my direction We're not the weak We are the wounded We're not the mindless We are the molested (Comment on this)
9:42 pm	I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure Cuz it's got nothin left for me I'm gonna go where I can be free I'm gonna walk out the door And get out of town New places, New faces Rest assured, I'll stock up on cases Of whisky here and 6 bottles of beer And I'll drink myself till I can't see clear I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure Torch the atlas, no sense of delay Fuck the system, we'll pave our own way This is a request I can surely adhere Bottoms up boys cuz I got no fear I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure Side of the highway, take a seat in acid rain Tobacco's stale, there's no refrain Backpack full of nearly molded bread Better save the whisky to feed the dead I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure I'm gonna walk out the door I'm gonna leave this town for sure Cuz it's got nothin left for me I'm gonna go where I can be free I'm gonna walk out the door And get out of town (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
11:35 am	enough to hold myself up and fall your voice sings out to me like a ten minute symphony no longer just a song sing to me how to learn ive been stagant since birth to fear your life and want to live doesn't make sense to me but somehow its true i'm too tired to explain the inconcistency torn up pieces of paper i'm cursed about to fall asleep i'm dead dreams pass through my skull i'm out of line all on my own again i'm wrong (Comment on this)
Friday, April 27th, 2007
10:36 pm	i'll remove my hand from your pants long enough to punch myself in the face tonight i'm not going to think about the past maybe i'll call up someone that i know won't last hold a hand and sing a song do a dance and hit a bong fall on your ass and laugh a little harder she'll forget about the things that once scarred her (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
10:23 pm	fill yourself up with drugs and alcohol self mutilation starvation and apathy you get a sense of indecency i mask my sadness with exaustion just hoping no one will tell me i'm wrong to do what i do youre right that people like to have a sense of comfort but why is that so bad it makes it a little easier to get by fake it until you make it how do you say all these things when you were so close to getting me thrown into rehab you havent grasped how scared i am you dont know how my body screams for just a little bit a little bit will make you feel good just a little and all your pain will go away no more hallucinations or being physically and emotionally empty spiders haunt me in my bed i wake up from not sleeping just to be out of breath i scratch till it bleeds im a fucking mess footsteps and voices echo in my head enough to make me jump they tell me secret messages that i never can understand but i lie awake to hear their voices i dont remeber the last time i slept when i look in the mirror i see nothing sadness and anger empty eyes bloody nose infected throat bruised knuckles cut up leg scratched up back yellowed eyes pinpoint pupils i am nothing i saw lights that werent there i stared into the woods waiting for them to shine again they did again and again but after a while they dimmed and i cried i found myself reaching out for that bottle but now its empty and i wonder why i even cared maybe i need soemthing stronger something a little stranger its just that feeling of nothing that made me feel at home where do i belong other than with myself and my new friends they talk to me when i'm too frightened to move i'm sweaty and angry and somehow i'm cold i can feel my body eating away at my flesh who knew you could get bruises from scratching too much who knew you could pass out in the shower and your mom is too drunk to notice or maybe its those pills she has all lined up in bottles in those secret places she thought id never find well i did mom and i took a handful of each but i didnt die and you didnt notice you never notice when i'm too fucked up to feel my fake happiness maybe i was cutting myself the day you found the bloody towel in the bathroom i was too fucked up to throw out the evidence sorry about the vomit i was too lazy to clean up i wonder if my friends noticed that i was too fucked up to move when i sat in their car and threw up in their friends toilet while they were about to start packing a bowl pot is pretty cool but it doesnt let me escape myself like morphine i love that feeling of blowing just another line you know youre already pushing it but you want to get just a little higher just a little more away from yourself than you already were crush up another just in case youre too fucked up to do it when you need it i remember when i beat myself up i tried to hurt myself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside but shes not going away i hear her voice persistently she wants me to come back to her but another voice screams in pain and i feel something cutting off the circulation in my arms oh wait thats me holding myself tighter and tighter trying not to shake so much my house falls down dont talk to me why do you bother with me theres nothing like that feeling i want it back but i cant have it maybe a joint will help my bones from shaking under my skin it doesnt so i walk to the cries in my mind and raindrops that know the way out packing bowl after bowl hoping i can escape myself for one minute i want what i want, and i want it to get here faster i want to learn how to take pictures but not with a camera with my mind of my dreams i want to see them on canvas i want to write my own story i want to write my own ending but whats this story about if not an indulgent young disaster i'm starting to love yager i took the bottle out then crunched the bag into a ball and threw it at the door i know shes gona come in yelling at me soon so i might as well get a little buzz before that happens whoops the bottles gone and what happened to those xanex i had on my window sill i have a pretty good idea but i'll pretend like i dont i want to be as far away from myself as i can get i remember when my mother looked at me as if she loved me now she cant even look at me at all she wont come near me or let me see into her eyes she knows i'll smell the alcohol she knows i'll see how dialted her pupils are i remember having this nightmare all the time when i was a kid i'd be dreaming that my parents were screaming real loud and stuff was getting thrown around then some super loud crash in the dream would wake me up i'd sit up in bed, look at my alarm clock, and tell myself it was just a dream then i'd hear a crash downstairs and someone would yell my parents could find a way into my head even if i was asleep it was always hard to close my eyes again after that i remember when my father threw this stupid thing i made at the wall and it shattered into a million pieces it was one of those bottles you filled up with layers of different colored sand guess who had to vacume it all up your fragile young eight year old who thinks her parents are normal do you remeber when i found those little vodka bottles in your car dad? now i see those at my friends houses or in my nightmares i'm headed straight for nothing i'm headed straight towards everything i hate all the things i never thought mattered the things i never wanted to talk about the things i never wanted to say theyre all surfacing and i cant hide from them anymore it hurts for me to play back everything in my head like when i came home to see your car packed up to the top with anything of yours you could find at the moment i walked in and said daddy what are you doing dont leave us dont leave me you looked at me and said i have to with mom screaming at you in the background but then she walked real fast after me to tell me to beg you she wanted me to beg you to stay but how i was i supposed to know what was going on i never knew what you were fighting over the only things i knew were what i heard, what i found, what i saw when mom came in crying asking if she could sleep on my bottom bunk all those times for all those years i bet she didnt think youd come in and yell at both of us but she kept doing it time after time after time where is my sister i would think doesnt she hear any of this why cant she come get me and cover my eyes help me pretend it'll be ok people act like theyre happy when theyre not because sometimes its too hard to remember the truth all the time to have a constant reminder of what your life really is smeared across your face in every expression, every word, every movement for everyone to see thats how i learned so early to lie to everyone to keep everything i knew hidden away deep inside of me and put on a happy face and act like i didnt start hating myself when i was nine remember when you used to scream at me till my nose bled onto my shirt and i would just shake in a corner and hope youd stop yelling soon and if you didnt stop id go downstairs and hide from you till you tipped your glass back a little farther and stopped caring about me remember when dad was driving drunk and he fell asleep at the wheel you said he was just tired as he stumbled around to the other side of the car so you could drive the rest of the way home or remember when he backed the car into me on easter remember when you ripped up the christmas present i gave you or when you didnt get me anything for my birthday because you wouldnt get over being mad for one day to make me feel special remember how many fights you put me in the middle of remember how many times you used me to take out your anger on i tried to forget i'm still trying to forget i want to hold my breath for as long as it takes to forget i want to stop breathing just long enough to know what it would be like to be totally still being a second away from death not really there--not really here (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
10:24 pm	2/28/07 We are not the weak, we are the wounded We are not the mindless, we are the molested Today marks the third day of sobriety after a three and a half week binge on a variety of opiate downers. Two times I thought I was going to die. It was without a doubt, a very interesting experience. Now I've thought I was going to die six times. Only two involving alcohol. I've been thinking so much today. I can't turn off my brain for one second, I can't focus on anything happening in the present. I can only focus on what's inside of my head. I feel like this all the time. It's why I constantly find myself at a state of nonexistance. It's like I don't feel like I'm living becasue I'm stuck on everything that doesn't have to do with the present. When I look at something, it's like all my thoughts overpower my senses. I say I live for now, but I'm already dead. In my reality, I'm a zombie. I just go through the day doing whatever my conscious mind is telling me, but my subconscious is going crazy with thoughts and ideas; or possibly the other way around. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. Right now I am partially insane. I show alot of signs of being a schizophrenic, but I have something in me that keeps me partially in the "real" world. I have some sort of grasp on what everyone else's realities are; enough to maybe fake it. I need to figure out if I'm really faking it or not because maybe, somehow, i'm just too mixed up in my own world to know. Between now and when I was 14 or 15, I feel the same; stuck, unchanging. It's really hard for me to explain how I feel about it. I was thinking about it earlier. I can't grasp it. It's like part of my brain, maybe my subconscious, can just be like nothing's changed, I was the same person as I am now a year ago or two years. Which is true, I am the same person, but that's probably my conscious talking. When I think more deeply, I realize I have grown up so much in some ways; not just in what I do, in how I think. Which is growing up, I guess. I use drugs because I love the feeling of having something between me and the world. It's like a fire blanket, you can't feel the fire through the blanket. I mean, it's like your being protected from all your natural emotions and problems. Being high protects me from all the harsh emotions I have and also of all my thoughts coming in too fast. I've been told I have a drug addiction before. I know people who do less than half of the drugs I do, and people who have done twice as much who have been called addicts too. It's all about if you feel like your addicted to drugs. The only thing that matters is what you feel like. No one can tell you your addicted to something, it's a feeling. I feel addicted, but I am strong enough to overcome it. So what am I? On drugs, I don't feel like myself. I like to get away from myself. I feel like I want them so I don't have to feel normal. I need that barrier from the harsh reality I've found myself living in. It's not that I don't like myself when I'm sober, before now I had never thought of it like that. I'm stuck on this now actually. I can't figure out which I like better; sober or high. It's a good balance I have going I guess. I can't be high all the time. I have to be sober sometimes to deal with the rest of the world. If I had to be high or sober for the rest of my life, it would be hard to choose. If I lived in a secluded world of my own in the woods, perhaps I would choose being high over sober, but since I have to deal with normal world things, I need to be sober some of the time. Under my circumstances now, I think I would go crazy from being high all the time. I would BE crazy to the sober world. You'd be naturally high all the time. Which could, in theory, be scary. It's a choice on if you want to be in your own world forever or if you want to be a part of everyone's world. Maybe drugs are just a way for me to get through to the parts of my life that aren't this hard for me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
6:57 pm	Day 2 - Waste of Space its probably better you dont write me back i dont know what you would say whatever you say would just make me mad anyways if you said i'm sorry id say its not enough but what is enough i dont think anything is i was just left with an empty feeling its like what am i doing now i'm less sure of who i am every day especially since i dont have you to talk to i dont want to lose you completely its just hard to imagine talking to you knowing i'm not your one anymore you really do hold me together you give me somethign to care about someone to show me i'm not a complete waste of space you said all these things as if you were trying to talk me out of loving you like telling me the bad shit would do anything but i knew what i was getting into i was glad to now i just feel sick when i think about us about all the things i felt that i still feel that i can't help but feel i think we're fate i want for you to come back so bad not today or tomorrow its too soon but someday you'll realize that we really are fate and i'll be waiting here to take you back because no matter what you're my other half (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
6:48 pm	Day 1 - Choke (This is for every time I choked over the words I love you Because it meant so much It was hard for me to say And as much as I know you're wrong I still hear myself begging you to stay) I stared down at half of a beer After I read between the lines Everything was clear I found a book full of lies Diseased and disoriented I blew a few more pills Cleaning up the mess From a cup spilt half filled You were coming back to tell me What you should have all along How could you do this You know that I'm not strong Every word you said to me Dripped down onto my fingers Dumbfounded Blindfolded Speechless You linger "I hate that it's me you have to love" Well if I didn't hurt enough already... I realize I'm resented Plans and ideas Worthlessly presented I'm just another chapter You didnt think about What would happen after I just want to pass with the clouds I can't even read this outloud When I've got nothing left to lose I can lose my mind without caring You try to look away but I know Right back here you're staring Its not right Its too much to believe Can't we meet again? Why did I make you leave So which is it Are you afraid of having Something too beautiful to break Or do you really think I'm wrong to love you this much What's your real reason For letting me go (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
9:06 pm	She Is when i fake a smile everyday she doesnt grasp the fact that i'm screaming inside every word i hear from anyone tears away at me theres nothing left all i am is a handful of pills a bag of this or a bottle of that i'm a dissapointment ive been told i'll never amount to anything i'm never good enough whatever i do is never enough theres always something else i need to fix about myself if i say i want you to care i just want you to listen if i say im wrong i just want to end the conversation everytime i ask whats the point of this i come one step closer to not caring at all whats my purpose who cares what my purpose is i can drown her out i can keep her going i can hate myself i can forget shes not here i can fake it through the day as i was falling asleep i heard a voice in my left ear it scared the hell out of me whenever i go to sleep i wonder if i'll wake up reincarnation is just reassurance that you'll have another chance but deep down i know this is it unsatisfied if she wants to be my other half she should be its all i want i can only put myself out so far ive said all the right words to all the wrong girls she's the only one i should talk to its everyone else that i have a problem with i dont fuck myself up everyday to forget that she loves me i do it because i'm scared i'm dying inside and i cant do it alone i'm half an animal not important enough to be a person the only direction ive ever had or put into words is to be happy what kind of happiness do i want do i want the happiness that comes from finding it somehow everyday or do i want to work hard for years to get the happiness of finally meeting your goals what if i've already found lasting happiness how do i keep it she keeps trying to get away its like it doesnt matter that i say all the right things because she doesnt believe i mean it plan after plan its not the plans i care about she is my direction she is my happiness i'm going to find her no matter how far she gets who cares where we end up as long as its me and her together she is my only truth my dimming light its my fault shes not as bright as she used to be i push her too far i know i'm wrong i'm not trying to piss her off i'm wrong when shes my life i wont need a crutch i want her to believe it i want her so much but if you never noticed nothings ever enough for me realizations in the middle of the night of the fact that i'm never satisfied i dont how to fix it i dont know anything it feels like my subconscious is hiding my knowledge from me honestly it is i know so much that i dont realize and i understand how i feel but i cant help me i'm a sinking ship or maybe i'm just one of the people on board should i jump? or go down with the rest? i'm not insane just insecure disconnected wrong (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
9:03 pm	Stutter When You Speak the things i gave to you just pile up as the years keep flying by i dont walk with a limp now i got myself a crutch and i no longer stutter because i boarded my mouth shut you dont know the things i do when youre not here i wont lie to you my days drag on its been 4 years but it doesnt seem that long i'm high in the sky and youre still down below my life is moving fast my days are going slow every binge this week is better than hearing you speak the words you say are keeping me away theyre haunting me i built this wall up for a reason keep on changing every season keep me awake to wisper you still care but every word you say sounds so cold and bear it seems like i'm a little diconnected this is just my direction i wrote a story in my head about a girl who never read constantly tired always cold she ate a sandwich two days old in the bed of brown blankets she'll just lie there and take it waiting for love that will never happen needing some clairty like she had back then a small apartment meant for two she said "it's for someone named me and you our love is clear and its true" but as the days got hazier her mind grew lazier she started to forget what she wanted at all this is the time that she began to fall (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
8:29 pm	you remind me of me maybe thats why every morning i wake up thinking about you its hard for me to say probably hard for you to believe it because its unaccepted by most for me to be liek this but somewhere along the way i got twisted up and i cant seem to find anyone i can trust the closest ive come to trusting is me but even i sometimes i can decieve myself i dont think i could confide in someone who isnt that creature who stares back at me in the mirror following my every move staring bakc at me with empty eyes and a hungry soul but i cant climb through to the next world as much as i would like to i just want to help the psychopath who cant find anyone but me shes lost she must be but i cant help her shes lost she needs the other half of her soul but shes stuck on being alone shes lost can someone please tell her the way out it scares me but i think her other half is me (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
6:44 pm	so fold your hands and pray to no one because there isn't anyone that cares cut your wrists and take some pills they all laugh and ignore your prayers when you think you hit the bottom youre gona fall a whole lot farther you can try to make things better but theres no real need to bother when the world has got you down and there is no one on your side i say run far away because theres no where you can hide inhale the last of your cigarette push it down into your palm get up and face the world again it's time to just act calm on the inside you are screaming your eyes can't stay awake you look at the people in your life and know that they're all fake take a bat and smash your memories they're pouring down onto the ground my heart is breaking, my heads on fire but i wont even make a sound (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 14th, 2007
9:19 pm	i love nothing now that i see clearly i know that things are fucked up beyond repair and being sober is too hard to do for 2 more weeks but i'll do it to show you i'm not crazy i'm not crazy i'm not a liar i can do this on my own i see things so clearly that i'm overwhelmed and scared i have nothing i stand for nothing my world is about me where is everyone else? why am i so alone ha why do i ask that when i so clearly know the answer if i could be honest for just one second id tell you i lied about not being a liar and i lied about everything else and i'm too fucked up to make anything better i dont want your help and i really will die alone before you can get to me (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007
7:46 pm	from a few weeks ago You can't stay around Once the sun sets From my ears to my brain And I drool Sweat Blame Beat You Me Him Her Down I could point my gun at your face And wipe the steam from my goggles But the gun would be backwards And the steam insists on staying Be My Fucking God To meet you again In a new light (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
10:14 pm	in the ring we reigned outloud and in the snow the sounds grew loud i filled my days with a balance and feeling infinite love feeds the mind but i eat the soul pass by the houses blood marks immunity (Comment on this)
7:39 pm	its history and everyone forgets history we have history but its more the present i'm concerned with i dont have a future i dont have a past i have a now and i have a place in the world every single sunset of life and love and death and reincarnation shines straight through my windows and in the days that i have left i will be free and i can waste my time any way i please i will remain living in peace and in pieces strewn across every ocean and mountain and desert and city in which all train tracks lead striaght to my town the town that is mine in my own state of mind and i lost myself in the forest in a book that i read which was an idea inside my head and my life is an illusion and i am only a dream from the mind of a molecule in another galaxy which i invented in this dream called my lonely but still happy shred of a life (Comment on this)
7:26 pm	i'm too young to feel this weird i'm too lame to feel this cool i'm too tired to feel this awake i'm two feet away from the edge i'm too scared to do anything (Comment on this)